I had my 6 week followup visit with the doctor on the 21st. I have been feeling well and was really just prepared for the doctor to tell me everything was back to normal and send me on my way until ultimately I was pregnant again. But as this whole situation with loosing Matthew has been un-expected and surreal, so was what he had to share with me.
He told me that more tests from the placenta came back. It showed that the Placenta was most likely the cause of loosing our baby. The Placenta appeared to have detached more the 50% from the Uterus. The cause of this is usually from Smoking, Drugs, or you are born with the cells that will make this naturally happen. Were I have had a previous successful pregnancy there is much question to why this happened. I can't help but to feel and think that there will be no real explained answer. Matthew is where he is supposed to be and nothing we really did or could have done would have changed that. He explained that I would need more tests done to see what I would need to have done for future pregnancies. (as in pre-pregnancy care) When this happens your chances supposedly are very high for it to happen again. As he explained more, I couldn't help but have the question run through my head "Did he suffer?". The question came out. The doctor paused for a long moment. He said "Given the circumstances, I would say yes". My heart broke all over again for my little boy. He explained how the placenta is what brings oxygen to the baby along with nutrients, but the oxygen itself could have made it hard for him. As horrid as it sounds, I kept imagining my baby choking, not being able to breath, and the whole time I didn't know it, I couldn't change it. But as I think more about it, I don't think the Lord would let little babies suffer such as that.
I went to the hospital to have more tests done on Tuesday. Now were just waiting to hear more. As I thought we would be moving on, we still sit here waiting for the doctors to get an "answer". An answer I don't really feel they'll get. But time is healing our wounds, each day gets a little easier. I'm grateful for this opportunity, for Heavenly Father has showed me that with faith, I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.
4 comments:
Did I read that correctly? Are you pregnant again? If so, I pray you have a successful pregnancy!
We never really talked back in school but I want you to know I have been praying and thinking about you since this whole ordeal has happened with Matthew. I keep tearing up every time I read your blog. I have read it over and over again. I am truly sorry for what has happened and for being a mother myself, I couldn't even fathem the thought of how hard it must be for you. I love my children with every ounce of my body and am constantly terrified something will happen. I want you to know, even without us knowing each other, I do care. And I am praying for you and your family. And I hope things are improving in your life.
can i just tell you i love you!!! i know sometimes talking isn't what you want to do with things like this but I am just a phone call away.. We can talk about anything.... heck we could just talk about the weather. Just know I am here and I love you guys soooo much.
Jane I love you. You are so strong. I admire you so much. The Lord never gives us things we can't handle. We agreed to these things in the pre-existence and I know we wonder why on earth we did. You knew Matthew then and he gave you a hug and said mommy it will be okay. You'll forever be a family.
Micaela- no I am not pregnant again. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers
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